The Most Important Tool I Teach My Intensive Retreat Couples.

You can’t reason with a lizard. You also can’t reason AS a lizard. And while it is a huge oversimplification – this concept is a REALLY one important to remember in your intimate relationships.

Before you start to think I’ve gone off the deep end – allow me to explain what I mean.

In very broad categories, our brain has 3 main areas: 1) our prefrontal cortex where we do our higher level thinking and processing – where we reason. Logic and rationality reside here. 2) Our emotional brain, which is called our limbic system, where we experience all feelings – where we relate. 3) our lower level brain where we are focused on survival and acting from impulse – this is our reptilian, or lizard brain – where we respond.  Our reptilian brain operates in contrasts: “all or nothing” and “good or bad”and “safe or dangerous” – usually “I’m good, you’re bad; I’m right, you’re wrong.”

When we get really upset with our partner – the very person we love and are committed to — we start to lose our capacity for reason. Our prefrontal cortex is not available to us because of the intensity of the moment. This is a strictly biological process – not a choice – and it happens to all of us. Yes, even you, and even me.

Herein lies the fundamental error couples often make. In the heat of an argument, we continue to try to reason with the other person.  “Can’t you understand?” “Why won’t you listen?” “That’s not what happened/ what you said/ what I said, what actually happened/ you said/ I said was….”

But you can’t reason with a lizard. Moreover, you can’t reason AS a lizard (though in the moment we’re usually pretty sure we can!). Trying to do so is a direct path to fights that go exactly nowhere. 

Instead, once someone is very upset, we need to set aside reasoning with them until everyone is truly calm again. Instead, we need to offer reassurance – which means understanding, care and compassion. This helps your partner shift out of just automatically responding from a place of impulse (lizard brain) and into their more rational self.

(Note: Hearing someone out and offering understanding does NOT mean you have to agree with them, or with their version of events. Contrary to popular belief, agreement on what happened or why it happened is NOT a part of getting back to good. It just means you are willing to see things from your partners’ point of view, and hold it as valid as your own.) 

You'll be amazed at how spending time hearing the other person out changes the dynamics of your arguments; because meeting their lizard brain when it’s scared and providing reassurance helps to bring back the part of their brain that can reason again. 

In ADHD impacted relationships, the intense emotions that can come with having ADHD can mean that you shift quickly from ‘doing just fine’ to lizard brain. And for the Non ADHD partner, the build-up of long-term frustration and resentment can mean that regressing to a lizard state can be triggered easily. But it will make a huge difference once you’re aware of a) when each of you is in your lizard brain and b) what to do: work towards understanding the other person. (And what not do: using reason before both of you are calm).

One tool that is hugely helpful for couples in shifting away from reasoning and into relating is the Learning Conversation protocol designed by Melissa Orlov. This is because Learning Conversations are for learning, not convincing the other person of your perspective. If you want to learn more, feel free to reach out about my couples intensive retreats or the Intent to Action Membership Program.

I hope this lens shift gives you some breathing room in your next heated discussion.

How ADHD Affects Relationships – And How to Navigate It Together

If you or your partner has ADHD, it’s likely adding an extra layer of challenge to your relationship. With about 8.1% of American adults diagnosed with ADHD, it’s no surprise that it can impact romantic partnerships. Whether you’re the one with ADHD or you love someone who has it, ADHD affects both partners in ways that are real, understandable, and – most importantly – treatable.

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental difference that makes everyday tasks like remembering details, staying organized, managing time, and following through on commitments more difficult. While symptoms vary, many people with ADHD experience intense emotional reactions and struggles with focus. These challenges don’t just affect the individual with ADHD—they ripple out and impact their loved ones too.

Even though ADHD is often considered overdiagnosed in children, it’s widely thought to be underdiagnosed in adults. Many adults who have ADHD were never diagnosed as kids because our understanding of the disorder has evolved significantly since then. As a result, countless adults have lived with ADHD symptoms for years without ever knowing what they were dealing with. This means they might not even realize that their challenges are rooted in ADHD—and they might believe that this is just how life (and love) is supposed to be.

This can lead to a sense of helplessness. Whether you have ADHD or love someone who does, the strain on the relationship can sometimes feel insurmountable. The non-ADHD partner may feel resentful, while the partner with ADHD may experience shame. These dynamics can create a sense that your relationship is beyond repair—but with some effort, understanding, and awareness, there’s a lot that can be done to break the cycle and build closeness.

Common Relationship Patterns in ADHD Couples

Think of ADHD like a house on fire. One partner is inside, surrounded by smoke and struggling to find a way out, while the other is outside, trying to help with hoses and sirens. Both are tired and feeling alone. One person carries the ADHD internally and experiences its challenges every moment, while the other partner reacts to those challenges, often without fully understanding what’s happening.

Acknowledging ADHD as a shared challenge can help you approach your difficulties as a team, with a common goal. When you both realize that ADHD is affecting you, it’s easier to shift from blaming each other to problem-solving together.

For the partner with ADHD, common feelings include anxiety about forgetting things, frustration from being criticized, and irritation from being constantly reminded to follow through. Many individuals with ADHD feel like they’re being treated like a child, as if their non-ADHD partner is “parenting” them.

For the non-ADHD partner, it can be painful when your partner forgets important details or doesn’t follow through on commitments. The workload often falls disproportionately on your shoulders, and the emotional rollercoaster that ADHD can bring might leave you feeling like you’re constantly walking on eggshells. You may also find yourself getting frustrated with the cyclical nature of these issues.

ADHD as a Perpetual Difference in Your Relationship

In relationships, some issues are solvable, while others are perpetual—meaning they’re likely to persist, no matter what. John Gottman, a well-known relationship expert, explains that all couples (happy and unhappy) experience perpetual differences. It’s how you deal with those differences that determines whether your relationship thrives or flounders.

ADHD is your relationship’s “perpetual difference.” It doesn’t have to derail your connection, but it will require intentional effort and patience from both partners. Happy couples don’t shy away from discussing these ongoing issues—they talk about them openly, sometimes with humor, and always with a focus on finding mutual understanding and a win-win outcome.

Navigating these differences requires understanding how ADHD affects both of you. For example, how do the symptoms of ADHD impact your partner’s life? What struggles do they face because of it? And conversely, how does ADHD shape your partner’s experience in the relationship? How might they react when ADHD-related issues arise?

Focus on kind delivery, taking accountability and expressing fondness and admiration

One of the most important skills in any relationship is avoiding the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse," a term coined by Gottman to describe four destructive behaviors that predict relationship breakdowns: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. In ADHD relationships, these behaviors can quickly escalate conflicts, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood and resentful.

For example, a common cycle in ADHD relationships goes like this: The ADHD partner forgets something important, which leads the non-ADHD partner to criticize. The ADHD partner then gets defensive, and the argument intensifies. This can spiral into contempt, where one partner starts to view the other as fundamentally flawed or unworthy of respect.

Stonewalling—shutting down and withdrawing—often follows when one partner becomes too overwhelmed to continue the argument. While it’s understandable to need space during a conflict, stonewalling can leave the other partner feeling abandoned and emotionally shut out, eroding trust over time.

Breaking this cycle involves learning the antidotes to these destructive behaviors. Instead of criticizing, express your concerns calmly and respectfully. Instead of becoming defensive, acknowledge your partner’s feelings and take responsibility for at least a part of the problem. Replace contempt with a focus on admiration and appreciation — offering regular feedback about what is working makes a big difference, especially to people with ADHD who hear a lot of what isn’t working. And instead of stonewalling, practice self-regulation techniques to help manage your emotional responses and stay present during difficult conversations.

Remember: Gottman’s research shows that the most successful relationships are those where both partners are fighting for a win/win resolution, rather than a win/lose outcome. The goal is not to “win” the argument (which means your partner loses!) but to work together toward a solution that respects both of your needs.

Rebuilding Trust

Untreated ADHD can severely damage trust in a relationship. Trust is built on attunement, follow-through, and responsiveness—which can be more challenging for individuals with ADHD. Distractions, impulsivity, and emotional sensitivity may make it hard to stay attuned to your partner’s complaints and needs, and follow-through and consistency can be difficult when short term memory or time management are struggles.

Shame is another factor that can quietly undermine trust. Many people with ADHD experience feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness, which they may hide out of fear of further disconnection. But when shame isn’t addressed, it grows, further complicating the relationship.

Talking openly about ADHD and the shame that comes with it is an essential first step in rebuilding trust. The non-ADHD partner may not fully understand the emotional toll having ADHD takes, so giving them insight into your experience can help them be more empathetic. Similarly, it’s important to listen to their perspective, without becoming defensive, so you can better understand how your ADHD affects them.

Self-compassion is also crucial. If you have ADHD, show yourself kindness and understanding for the challenges you face, rather than internalizing shame. Practicing this with your partner will foster a sense of shared understanding and compassion, which will strengthen your bond.

Conclusion

Navigating ADHD in a relationship has a unique set of challenges, but they are not insurmountable. By understanding how ADHD affects both partners, practicing the antidotes to the 4 Horsemen, and approaching each other with understanding, you can create a foundation for greater intimacy and mutual respect. With the right tools and support—like couples therapy with a therapist who understands ADHD—you can transform your relationship from a source of stress into a place of connection, resilience, and love.